The Power of Identity: Why Girls Must See Themselves Before Society Sees Them

by

Writer: Esse Tunji-Joseph

Introduction: The First Mirror a Girl Meets

A girl’s first understanding of herself begins long before she can speak in full sentences. From the moment she is born, she interprets the world through her parents’ expressions, the tones in their voices, the boundaries they set, and the subtle expectations they project. Long before she can tie her shoes, she begins learning the script society writes for girls — how she should behave, what she should aspire to, and who she should become.

Society holds up a mirror from the start. That mirror reflects what she should look like, how she should speak, what dreams are “acceptable,” and what ambitions are “appropriate.” Many girls grow into womanhood with reflections shaped not by their own inner selves but by external expectations placed upon them before they could choose for themselves.

But what if she were given a different mirror first? What if her earliest understanding of herself came from inner recognition of worth rather than external approval?

This is the power of identity — seeing yourself before society sees you. It transforms girls into leaders, innovators, creators, and changemakers. Identity forms the foundation of confidence, resilience, and purpose. Without it, girls inherit identities shaped by bias, stereotypes, and cultural constraints. With it, they become unshakable, unstoppable, and fully self-directed.

This article explores why identity matters, the societal forces that shape it, and the tools girls need to cultivate self-recognition before the world defines them.

Part I: Understanding Identity — Seeing Herself Before the World

Identity is more than self-esteem. Psychologists describe it as the internal narrative guiding how we see ourselves and how we believe the world sees us. For girls, identity forms early:

  • By age 3, gender expectations begin shaping self-perception.
  • By age 7, she observes who leads, who gets celebrated, and who is encouraged to take up space.
  • By age 10, studies show a dramatic decline in confidence — a phenomenon known as “the confidence drop.”

This happens because identity is often contaminated before it is cultivated. From an early age, girls are praised for being:

  • “Pretty”
  • “Quiet”
  • “Obedient”
  • “Polite”

Meanwhile, boys are praised for being:

  • “Curious”
  • “Brave”
  • “Inventive”
  • “Leaders”

Girls grow up believing their value lies in pleasing others, while boys are celebrated for potential and agency. True identity begins when a girl stops seeking external validation and starts asking herself:

  • Who am I when no one is watching?
  • What do I truly enjoy?
  • What strengths do I have that others may not see?
  • What do I believe about myself that society never taught me?

Identity becomes powerful only when self-chosen, not socially assigned.

Part II: Societal Mirrors — How External Forces Shape Identity

Family Influences — The First Voice

Families can either nurture or restrict a girl’s identity. Supportive environments that encourage autonomy, affirm feelings, and validate talents help girls trust themselves. Restrictive households that impose strict roles or expectations can teach girls to suppress their voices and limit ambition. Common scripts include:

  • Career expectations: “Girls should be nurses, not engineers.”
  • Behavioral expectations: “Good girls don’t speak too loudly.”
  • Personality expectations: “Be gentle, not bold.”

Schools and Teachers — Reinforcing Gender Norms

Teachers can unintentionally perpetuate stereotypes. Studies show boys are more frequently called on in STEM classes, reinforcing the idea that intelligence and leadership are masculine traits. Negative labeling (“you’re bossy”) can silence leadership potential.

Media and Entertainment — Curated Perfection

Television, movies, and social media bombard girls with unattainable ideals: flawless skin, slim bodies, filtered lifestyles. Constant comparison creates distorted self-images, where identity is built from illusion rather than truth.

Cultural and Religious Norms

Cultural expectations often prioritize modesty, obedience, marriage, and domestic roles. These norms can conflict with a girl’s internal desires, causing tension between personal identity and societal expectations.

Social Media — The Digital Identity Battlefield

For today’s girls, identity is constantly shaped online. Each “like,” “comment,” and “share” becomes a measure of worth. Digital validation can override real self-perception, creating fragmented, externally defined identities.

Part III: The Mirror Within — Building Inner Identity

Developing an internal sense of self allows a girl to resist societal distortions. Key components include:

  • Inner Awareness: Recognizing her talents, strengths, emotions, and boundaries.
  • Internal Validation: Trusting herself rather than seeking constant approval.
  • Self-Defined Purpose: Setting goals aligned with her values, not societal expectations.
  • Emotional Intelligence: Navigating feelings, managing stress, and responding to conflict effectively.

When girls see themselves first, they become the authors of their own stories.

Part IV: Adolescence — The Identity Storm

Adolescence is a critical period. Hormonal changes, peer pressure, academic expectations, and social media comparisons converge, creating insecurity, self-doubt, and body dissatisfaction.

Girls with strong internal identity:

  • Resist peer pressure
  • Choose friendships wisely
  • Stand up for themselves
  • Reject toxic trends

Girls without strong identity risk:

  • Harmful relationships
  • Mimicking influencers blindly
  • Engaging in risky behaviors
  • Losing their sense of self

The storm is inevitable, but identity serves as the anchor.

Part V: Identity as the Foundation for Leadership and Success

Every powerful woman was once a girl who saw herself before society did:

  • Oprah Winfrey: Transformed trauma into global influence.
  • Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala: Defied societal limitations to achieve global leadership.
  • Malala Yousafzai: Maintained identity stronger than fear.
  • Michelle Obama: Defined herself before the world defined her.

Girls with strong identity:

  • Speak boldly
  • Negotiate confidently
  • Dream without apology
  • Pursue nontraditional careers
  • Become innovators and leaders

Identity predicts leadership more than any skill. Breaking external ceilings requires first breaking internal limitations.

Part VI: Identity in the Digital Era

Digital identity presents unique challenges. Girls now navigate:

  • Real-world expectations
  • Online comparisons and pressures

Social media can amplify insecurities, but girls with strong identity use it intentionally rather than dependently. Digital literacy and self-awareness are essential tools for maintaining authentic identity.

Part VII: Practical Steps to Build Strong Identity

  1. Daily Reflection: Journaling, storytelling, and self-awareness exercises.
  2. Exploration: Encouraging hobbies, passions, talents, and leadership roles.
  3. Role Models: Exposure to women who reflect possibilities and achievements.
  4. Allow Failure: Letting girls fail safely strengthens resilience.
  5. Emotional Intelligence: Teaching girls to name, understand, and manage feelings.
  6. Critical Thinking: Questioning norms and challenging stereotypes.
  7. Confidence Through Competence: Building mastery and skills, not relying solely on praise.

Conclusion: When a Girl Sees Herself, the World Changes

Identity is the turning point in a girl’s life. It shapes:

  • How she thinks and dreams
  • How she loves and leads
  • How she fights and rises

A girl who sees herself first cannot be defined, limited, or silenced by society. She becomes a force. She changes the world.

When girls develop internal clarity, confidence, and purpose, they unlock their potential to lead, innovate, and inspire a generation. Empowering girls to see themselves first is empowering society as a whole.

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54 Responses

  14. Shedrach Daniel

    Girls must see themselves first because self-belief is the foundation of strength. When a girl understands her worth, no one can reduce her value.
    Well done

  33. Gbeminiyi James Oladimeji

    Your write up is quite interesting. My own thought is that when women/girls owns their identity, it is like unleashing a powerhouse! It is about confidence, breaking free from societal expectations and it is about self discovery.

  34. Olamide Ajala

    Empowering the girl child cannot be overemphasized, it’s truly important as it’s a game changer for the future.

  42. Grace Amoka

    You’re an incredible writer, but this piece here is on another level. I recommend expanding this into a book. It’s soooooooooo valuable. Being someone who really struggled with identity and low self-esteem, the recommendation of “seeing yourself before society sees you” is such a remedy for a lot that the girl child goes through rooted in an identity crisis. Kudos on this one!!!

  49. Ochuko

    This writeup indeed is awesome.the girl child should ensure to know her worth as this is the bed-rock to how she sees herself in the society.

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